Kodoku
by Cymoril Avalon
Summary: YuiXSuboshi. Spoilers. As the Universe of the Four Gods comes to a close and the two mikos return to their world, their lives take very different turns. Yui reflects on her choices and the path they set her upon. Doesn't everyone deserve a happy ending?
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi, and if I did, it sure as hell would have had a different ending. I always felt that Yui was much too stoic considering everything that she had gone through, so I decided to delve into her mind and bring forth the dark, angst-ridden thoughts I am sure she really entertained. Spoilers ahead, so read only if you've seen the entire series. Takes place before the OVA's. Read and review!!!!!

* * *

The book was closed.

The story was over.

Had any of it been real?

A part of her wanted to deny everything that had happened in the Universe of the Four Gods. She wanted nothing more than to forget and move on. However, it was impossible.

Every time she saw the deliriously happy look in her friend's eyes as she clutched at her blue-haired soul mate, laughing and smiling and excluding her once best friend from her life, she remembered.

Every time she saw the scars on her wrists, felt the biting pain of the blade, she remembered.

Every time she looked in the mirror and saw the dull, hollow depths of her once-vibrant eyes, she remembered.

He had loved her; she wasn't stupid, though in retrospect, it was so glaringly obvious that she did not understand what had kept her from seeing it. She had noticed his affections, the way he put up with her attitude and followed her around faithfully, but she had been so consumed by thoughts of anger and revenge and bitterness that she hadn't _seen_ it.

He had died loving her. And for what? What had she done to deserve that sort of sacrifice? She had yelled at him, scorned him, done everything in her power to push him away. And yet…he had stubbornly stuck by her side and protected her, setting aside a little place in his heart where only his aniki had been able to rest. He had been willing to risk everything for her when he knew that the chance of her returning his feelings was small.

He had died for her.

And only now, after hundreds of years and the bindings on a book separated them, did she realize what he truly meant to her.

_Too late!_ a voice in her mind chortled. _Too late, too late, too late!_

"Shut up!" she cried, hands lashing out at the empty air, tears trickling down her cheeks.

Empty.

Alone.

She was alone. Alone, alone, alone. She had no one to hold her and wipe away her tears and promise her that everything would be all right. The world had turned its back on her, punishing her for her actions, and she was completely, utterly alone.

All because of that stupid book.

If they had never opened it…if she had never started reading it…if she had just denied that she knew any ancient Chinese and threw the book back on the shelf and walked away…none of this would have happened. She would still have her best friend; her grades would not be plummeting; she would still smile and laugh and tease Miaka about her insatiable appetite.

She would still have her _life_.

But she would never have met him.

Not that it mattered, right? He was just a character in a book, a fictional image existing only on crisp, white pages; he wasn't real, right?

Like Tamahome. Taka. But he was real, flesh and blood and tears, his golden eyes laughing at her because he had taken away her best friend, killed the boy she loved, and left her with _nothing_.

He was dead, and no amount of regrets could bring him back; no regrets, no tears, no tantrums, no screams. Nothing could turn back time and change the writing on the pages. The story was over.

Her story had ended.

"Lady Yui…"

She jerked to a sitting position, cramming herself against her headboard and staring around suspiciously. Who had spoken? Had she finally lost the tiny shred of sanity she had clung to?

Ghostly fingers trailed along her bare arm, raising goosebumps and heat in equal measure. She gasped as a hazy, nearly transparent form coalesced in front of her.

"S-suboshi?"

He smiled, his incorporeal form kneeling over her, blonde bangs falling over his eyes. He gently caressed her cheek, his touch like a gentle breeze.

"I'm sorry, Lady Yui…I couldn't protect you…"

His form began to fade.

"I'm sorry…"

"Suboshi!" she cried, flinging out her arms, trying to grab him and hold him and keep him with her. Her hands slid through him, meeting nothing but air. She felt panicked; she was losing him again.

With a tired, sad smile, he vanished.

"Suboshi!" she screamed, curling in on herself and sobbing. "I'm so sorry…I love you…"

But it was too late. She was alone, and she always would be.


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi or the characters held herein. Sue me and you get nothing but a headache.

Author's Note: Okay, so this isn't a one-shot. I randomly got some inspiration, and so here it is. Takes place after the OVA's (or is it OAV? I can never remember). Don't read if you haven't seen them. Mind you, I have not watched them myself in quite some time, as I can never get past Amiboshi's death without being too annoyed to continue, so some events are probably off. Feel free to let me know, as while this is AU, I still prefer to stick as close to canon as possible.

* * *

She watched them as they cuddled on the park bench, so close together that people could have joined them on either side, but none dared. The light in their eyes, born of absolute love and devotion, excluded all else. No others existed in their little world of soft murmurs and giggles and tender kisses.

Especially not her…

Why had they even invited her along? Was it so they could rub their happiness in her face, remind her of how alone she was? Ever since that one night when she could have sworn Suboshi had somehow been in her room with her, she had felt the strings of loneliness tighten to the point of physical pain. She could hardly bear to get up for school in the morning, and she was on the verge of being kicked out of her honors classes. Her hopes of getting into her high school of choice had shattered, but she could hardly bring herself to care. Everything seemed so small, so insignificant, beside the great void that had consumed her life.

So alone…the bench was so cold, despite the heat of the day…

Of course, Tetsuya had been invited as well, but as usual, had not shown up. She almost wished he had. Their relationship – if one could even call it that – had been slowly dissolving for some time now. Neither of them had the energy or inclination to break it off, so they continued on, playing their little charade. It hurt worse now doing that, after hearing Suboshi's sweet words. Tetsuya could never love him like Suboshi did, and they both knew it.

But where did that leave her? Sitting in a park, alone on a white marble bench, as the sun slowly began to set. She felt more alone in this crowded area than she ever did at home.

Her eyes narrowed as she watched the couple, oblivious to everything around them.

She wanted to go back.

He had died for her again, this time destroying his aniki's body in the process. They were both dead, all because of her. Guilt was eating her up inside, splitting her open and leaving her exposed and bleeding. She wanted so desperately to go back, to do everything over again, and make things right. She owed him that much.

She had gone so far as to return for the book, but though she was able to get into the secluded room, the Universe of the Four Gods had been nowhere to be found. She had searched every shelf and every spine, and while she had come across some very interesting documents, none were what she sought. She had returned home feeling numb.

A breeze swept past her, swirling her blonde hair around her shoulders and playing with the strands. It was a cool relief in this warm weather, and she closed her eyes, inhaling deeply to enjoy the scents the wind brought. She could almost forget the constant buzz of passersby as she drowned in the scent and sound of the nearby lake and miniature waterfall, the sound of the breeze through the trees, the happy chirping of birds courting one another with their songs.

A surprised gasp broke her out of her daze.

She opened her blue-gray eyes reluctantly, and then blinked as she took in the form of the boy currently speaking to Miaka and Taka. Taka was glaring up at the boy, and Miaka had her hand on his arm warningly, her eyes darting between him and her friend. He was tall, though likely not as tall as Taka, with sandy blonde hair falling into his stormy eyes and a slender but sturdy build. He was dressed in casual khaki's and button-down shirt, his shoes caked with dirt, but she could have recognized him anywhere. His eyes rose and met hers, and it was as if her entire world had stilled.

The first question that entered her mind was, how?

The next, why?

He was here, in the flesh, unless her senses were cruelly deceiving her. Those same devotion-filled eyes boring into hers with such relief that she almost wept. Someone, somewhere, had deemed her worthy enough to allow her to cross his path again, had brought him back so that they could be together. Did she really deserve this? What had she done to overshadow all the wrongs she had committed, to make up for the wretched way she had treated him?

She blinked, and was relieved when he did not disappear. Instead he slowly approached her, and she rose from her bench to meet him, her heart pounding in her chest. Everything she had gone through, everything she had suffered, all the pain and guilt and humiliation; this was what it had prepared her for.

Suboshi had been reincarnated.

He stood in front of her, close enough for her to smell his spicy cologne and note the obvious quality of his clothing. They continued to stare at one another, unable to really accept the fact that they were standing inches apart, the wind playing around them like a gleeful child. It had been so long, so achingly long, with the years and the pages of a lost book separating them for what she had feared would amount to eternity. Gazing up into his eyes, she finally understood how her friend felt, and her heart soared.

He was here. He was really, finally here, standing before her with his love clear on his face. Time seemed to return to normal, and background noises once again intruded on her senses. Clearing her throat, she struggled to find the words she so needed to say to him, but the quiet stretched on, tangible yet comforting.

She finally broke the silence.

"I'm so sorry, Suboshi, I—"

He placed a finger on her lips, slowly shaking his head.

"No words," he said softly, and then bent his head to kiss her.


End file.
